Saturday, October 29, 2005

glutton for punishment

Does anyone know what a Glutton for punishment is?

It signifies someone who is soo into being hurt they almost crave for it. And not physically hurt.. emotionally. Yea sure, who is dumb enough to want that right? If anything people run far away from being hurt...

I might be one..
Because I cannot distance myself from being treated badly. Especially by the opposite sex. My friends tell me that i should ignore people when they begin to be rude and just not worth it. But I tend to ignore the fatal attempts from my poor friends to save me from hurting myself. Now, is that not what you call a glutton for punishment?

I give you an example. There is a guy, he is older than me, five years infact. I thought i liked him alot. We went out a couple of times, we had a gooood time. The first time we were out we were out till about 5am, talking. I thought, finally.. after a year of being single.. here is a guy that I can talk to.. and he is not weird... and he has no baggage... man, I could not have been furthur from reality.

(I usually judge people pretty well, and I am kinda like.. 'hell if you don't like me you don't know what your missin fool.. ')

Anyway, long story short, he was weird and had alot of baggage.. and i mean baggage that he had for 12 years and was going to marry until the baggage got engaged to someone else.. Now, obviously the baggage did not like him anymore... But he was still trying to 'break it up' (how bollywood can we get?) He tried and failed and tried again (who's the glutton now?)
Anyway, the wedding was what messed everything up.

Up until the time he was here he was fine, then he went away for the wedding. He came back and was all 'i need space' and 'what do you want from me?' and one line messages.
Any smart woman would tell his asshole to piss off. And I did that.. for a week. And then i messaged him, thinking he'd have cooled down and calmed his head by now... he replyed curtly and that was that. I messaged again. Nothing.

Somewhere I knew that he wasn't going to reply to the second message. But i did it anyway. And i knew i would get all hurt by it. But instead of avoiding it i went straight towards it. So conclusion is that I am a glutton for punishment.. right? errmmm

This is what's even worse.. i didn't like him that much anyway... It's not me. It's my ego that is hurt. It's not like I am crying about things not working. Or that I am blaming myself for anything. I thought I liked him. Hell, how many people have made that mistake in their lives?!?

Reality is that the first time i met him i knew... he is so NOT the one.

Yea I am a smart little chicky ain't I?

But i still choose to give him that importance.. that ability to tell me to get a grip...
So what's the use of me not feeling anything for this fool...
When i have allowed him the pleasure of thinking he has broken another heart... namely mine.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

being inspired

I welcome myself into the wonderful world of blogs. And greet all you fellow bloggers warmly.

I used to think that blogs were nothing but a free-for-all diary, for all those cyber exhibitionists who feel the need to share intimate details of their life with strangers. I used to never read blogs. I felt I was prying on something than i should not. It's just me I guess. The insecurity of being overly inquisitive.
That's how i got here actually. I asked a question to a guy, he did not answer me, i persisted. Until, defeated i gave up. He then told me his blogspot. The window to his soul. He wrote about each day. Each mundane moment. He ate an apple on the station. He saw a man feeding his five year old kid etc etc

And what I saw...... What i saw was a whole new him. And i liked it. I liked it alot.
And what rarely happens to me, did : I was hooked. I was inspired. I was converted.

Which brings me right back to my warm welcome to myself.
I have only two words...woo hoo ;-))

wearing your attitude

Today I left my office early, and it felt sooo good (and by early I mean 6pm.) I met my best gal and we went shopping. Haven't done that in a while and I think it showed, cause I was almost buying everything I saw...

Then I went into this underwear store. I love entering those, it's an absolute treat. It's amazing what you see and hear in one of those. It's like an insight into lives. So, anyway I went in and as usual went to see the funky undies they had. And suddenly i realised a little something about myself: I wear my attitude on my underwear.

I have never ever ever in my life owned a t-shirt with a funky message on it.. like most girls around sporting tees that say, 'what are you looking at?' and 'my eyes are up here' and 'whatever!' .

But I have a thing for underwear messages. Practically all my inners have messages, I have one full of wishes, like i wish for cake and i wish for a boyfriend etc, and i have others that say shakin bacon, Think, i'm single and luscious!

What does this mean? Am I afraid to sport my attitude? Am I that introvert? But no! I'm not introvert, I'm the first one to make friends with strangers... the only one sometimes..
Maybe I don't wanna let people know who I really am... Altho if someone asked I'd be more than happy to tell them what my underwear read at that point.

Maybe I am thinking too much.. I have been told that I do think too much. And i have had the same question time and again.. so why is that such a bad thing?? Doesn't everybody do it??
But that is a topic for another posting I guess??

And there I go thinking too much... again...