Monday, April 08, 2013

limp twilight

So after years of resisting it, I finally succumbed to the whole vampire book rage. I read part of the Stephenie Meyer series, but I must admit it was not with an open mind. I did try to understand why these books were so popular with the ladies: is there something intriguing about being ravished by a cold, undead man who shows little or no emotion?

On the face of it: Yes. The book is written from a young, pale-skinned dorky teen girl, who clearly has some kind of death wish, which is amplified more thanks to her attraction to a sparkly-skinned bloodsucker. He’s handsome, he’s mysterious, he shows no interest until she is completely smitten and then confesses he wants to drink her blood. He disappears without warning only to make her pine (like the knee-hugging, lying-on-the-floor-while-seasons-pass kind of pining. And for those of you who don’t know pining, that’s the hardcore variety of pining).

So it is a love story. And clearly gushing girls around the world are only looking at it from that point of view. But thanks to my overly logical thinking, I began to analyze. Which is when it whole thing got creepy.

Firstly, this snowy cold place is that she has moved to, clearly lacks any interesting women. Because two of the most hunky guys around like this pale-faced dorky girl, and are willing to die for her. A bit extreme, no? (This reminds me of my new girl theory – very apt in this context) Frankly, any guy who is so intense with you in school is bordering on being a social psychopath. Warning signs should have been going off all around her.

Secondly, and this is a biological point, Edward Cullen is a vampire. Which means he is bloodless. Which means he has no blood running through is body. Which means he can never have blood gushing through his privates. Which means, that every single intense moment that he shared with Bella was her own active imagination. For him, it would be as asexual as kissing an iguana. Which in turn means, he was only using her for her tasty, tasty blood, and all this sexual tension was in the mind of Bella Swan (how typical for a woman to over think the relationship!)

Thirdly, given the fact that Edward would be very bad in the sack, thanks to the above conclusion, I find it absolutely appalling that this dumb girl chose the pale, dead vampire over a hot-blooded wolf-man. Seriously? I’d pick hairy over limp any day!

Lastly, this angst and drama that is overflowing out of Bella’s life, just makes every other teenager around feel like, ‘man… why doesn’t anyone want to suck my blood? I hate my life… I’m bored!” Not a very healthy frame of mind when you are already a lame teenager.

I think a lot of my irritation came with picturing Kristen Stewart’s face in every scene. There’s something about that girl that makes you want to throw her into a fire and film it so you can see her emotionless face go up in flames, over and over again.

Wow, that was violent.
On that note….