dear you

Dear H, I’m not sure why I liked you at all—we were so different. I guess it was because you were so quiet and unassuming, and the dimple didn’t hurt either. You were my first kiss, but not my first love. I should have known better at the time, instead of waiting for you to be the one to break up with me.

Dear L, I remember how much we laughed on the steps to my building. I remember all the crazy things you’d do and how much you made fun of my weirdness. I should have known better—you were a better friend than a boyfriend.

Dear B, I liked you a lot. Too much for my own good I think. And unfortunately, when I do that I stop seeing clearly. I wasted so many tears on you. And looking back now, I realise you are a self-centred, juvenile, nauseating piece of dog crap.
And I really, really, really should have known better.

Dear F, I have only good things to say about you. You truly were my first love. I would have, and still will do anything for you. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get together again, and then I remember why we broke up in the first place.
I should know better.

Dear A, you were never really a ‘boyfriend’ but I thought I’d add you just to tell you how much I despise you. You have the personality of a slug and the only thing that is remotely attractive about you is your money…Unfortunately I am not materialistic. I did know better.

Dear T, you were everything I have ever wanted. When I looked at you I saw my future and I got lost in it, instead of seriously thinking about the present. It’s because of you that I know what true love feels like. I still miss you even though I wasn’t the one to let you go. It will take some time to forget that feeling I had when you were next to me. I thought it would last forever.

Next time I’ll know better.


Inspired by Alanis Morrisette ‘Unsent’ but not half as well written

(far from) happy ending

This weekend I watched three very different movies about how male protagonist fights for the woman he loves, eventually getting her and living happily ever after. And they all made me sick.

The guy who supposedly adored me for two whole years did not get the girl. He did not even begin to fight for her. He left me instead, hopefully watching these movies wondering why he did not fight in the same way for me. Making me assume that, perhaps, I just wasn’t worth the effort.

Going by the movies I saw— my break up should have hurt me so bad, that I somehow meet the man of my dreams on a bus or in a store (when I least expect it) and we go out and I realise that the break up was the best thing that happened to me, which is when my ex realises what he terrible mistake he has made. Or I make such a huge impression on this dreamy dude who falls completely in love with me and does everything he can to keep us from never leaving each others sight.

I know, I shouldn’t be using Hollywood as my relationship benchmark. I know that the script has to be happy to make a blockbuster—which makes me oftentimes wish I was living in a movie, instead of this crap, lonely reality that I exist in.

God damn it, I want my happy ending.