the fists around my heart

My parents have left for the States. They arrived safely and called about two hours after they landed at my sister’s house. They called to tell me how absolutely beautiful my little niece is. My father has not carried her yet, he says she is too small, so he stares at her from a distance. Like the proud grandfather he is. I miss my family terribly. I wanna cry every time they call me, because I wish I were there too. I miss my mother’s smile and I miss my daddy’s cooking.

And I miss my sister’s faces.

I read this blog about how one can literally feel the love for your siblings, like it is a fist wrapped around your heart, which tightens at their every joy and their every strife. I have had this fierce protection for my sisters, these two fists around my heart, for as long as I can remember.

When my sister Nicole was in college, she used to go for those extra classes and my dad would pick her up everyday. One day he didn’t and she said she would come home by bus. She was walking home. It was about eight pm. And some guy tried to kiss her. We were watching television, and from our seventh floor house we heard her cry. My dad, my mom, Vanessa and I ran downstairs. Between tears she told us what happened, and my dad ran to beat him.

I, all of 8 years old, ran with him. To kill him. To kill the guy who made my sister cry.

Every time she gets one of her asthma attacks, I get so paranoid, because I don’t know what to do, so I end up yelling at her to “breath goddamnit!” Which doesn’t help. It only makes her cry. And then I want to kill someone all over again.

My world crashed when my favorite doll, Gillian’s head fell off. Nicole ‘operated’ on her and made her all better.

She is so talented and has more creativity in her little finger than I have in my whole body. She is the fashion guru in my family. She gave me the first crochet flower she ever made. I carry it in my purse till today.

Nicole always thought she was the ugly one from the three of us, cause she did not have the light eyes and the light hair. To me she always looked like Snow White. With the fair skin, and the dark black-as-night hair, and deep brown eyes.

My eldest sister Vanessa looked like Cinderella. Eyes of the bluest skies, and brown hair. She is the most intelligent person I know. She works her ass off, she strives to do better, she gives great advice, she cooks amazingly, she is a perfectionist and she loves like there is no tomorrow.

She was like my parent growing up. She showed me how to put on a sanitary pad. She washed my bum when my dad was not around to do it. She taught me math. No, she tried to teach me math. I still can’t solve those stupid ‘trains-traveling-in –opposite-directions’ problems.
She was Nessa.

Nicole and I were once messing around with her hair. We combed it all in the front, covering her face. Then we put on some glares and moved the hair away from her nose so she looked like cousin It. We laughed so much at our “creation” and we could see Vanessa’s shoulders shaking. We moved the hair away and she was crying. She had had a very bad day. But she never stopped us from having our fun.

Nicole will agree that Vanessa is the best eldest sister that anyone could ever have. With just the right balance of fun and seriousness, and gives us unconditional love that I hope we never take for granted.

When I was little, I wanted to become a bus conductor. In support of my dream, my sisters, who used to travel to college then, collected their bus tickets and from their friends too, so that my dad could make me a conductors bag (out of my grandfathers old cigar box) and my mum gave me an old stapler as a clicker. I charged them to enter and exit rooms.

My mom once bought us all shoes from Bata. One pink, one green and one red pair. We created a S.O.S Treaty (share our shoes). We all signed it, and my mother was the witness. I still have that treaty paper.

Sure, we have had fights. Taking sides, pulling hair, crying, screaming, vowing never to talk to each other forever… forever being all of ten minutes. I have hit Vanessa, and then cried instead of her while she consoled me. I have said evil things to Nicole, and she has taken it.

But if anything happens, if anyone hurts these two people, I would hunt them down and torture them. If there is anything that they need, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to try and give it to them.

To the two greatest women in the world: I love you eternally and unendingly.

The fists only get tighter.