not a good thing

It's already March. How time flies. Even when you're not having the most fun. For a while now, there has been virtually nothing I could write about. Not only on the blog, but at work to. This is not a good thing. I am a writer, so writer's bloc for me is like hydrophobia for a diver, or vertigo for a pilot, or... you get my drift.

I have been stuck on this one thought for so long. Probably because I am not motivated by it. I have nothing to say about it. I don't relate to it, and I certainly don't understand it. This is not a good thing. Especially when I have to be creative about it. Especially because our new creative director and national creative director have joined us. So when we have these group meetings, and I have nothing to show, I end up looking like a complete idiot. "Who hired her", they're thinking. I'm sure.

To add to my stress, as much as I wanted a group change, it hasn't happened. I have continually asked and begged, so not my style, and when the list came out, I was still in the old group. This is not a good thing. Especially since my boss does not like me at all. And we are just civil to each other. Teamwork, commitment and vision, we have none of it. In fact those are just some of the things we don't have.

But what we do have in the office is a new girl. She has joined us in the client-servicing department. She spends at least three hours in front of the mirror everyday putting on her face. One inch of face. There is blush, eyeliner, lipstick and lots of bling. She has chemically straightened hair. She wears clothes so tight she puts a well-packed sausage to shame. And the boys love her. She has a silver handbag, and a mini-me of the handbag that carries her mobile. I'm serious. There is a tiny three-inch silver handbag, with a strap and buttons that she carries around because her jeans are too tight to stuff her prissy little mobile in them. I'm being a bitch again. This is not a good thing.

I think I have also been in this state of perpetual PMS for a very long time now. I have been rude, overly sensitive and highly moody. I have yelled at and hugged the same person in one day, leaving them completely confused and, I'm sure, a little scared. I have not been eating, then binging on something unhealthy like peanuts. I have lost my mojo. The thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning, and start a new day of my fabulous life. The thing that makes me want to live. I have lost it. This is not a good thing.

You know what else I have lost? The will to wake up at seven am in the morning and go for a nice, revitalizing walk in the mornings on Bandstand. Fresh air, sea breeze and aching thighs, that's what good mornings are made of. I haven't done it in so long, and now I feel fat. This is not a good thing. Because feeling fat leads me to think I am not attractive to anyone, which leads me to feel bad about myself, which leads me to not wanna meet anyone, which leads me to be all pissy. Which leads people into keeping away from 'that grouchy woman there'.

My tooth hurts. My weekend plans have been ruined. The new girl is pissing me off. My boss is an ass. My appraisal was bad. My head hurts because of my tooth. My fear is that all this is because of the chicken I ate last night. My hair is having a bad year. My desk is right under a loose light bulb, so it's going disco on me. My computer at work is too slow for even a blonde. I am too bitchy for my own good.

This is not a good thing.